


Everybody knows.

by Azzy_Darling



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:19:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for this Kmeme at masseffectkink;</p><p>After the Reaper wars, Shepard (either gender is fine) isn't treated as a war hero. Shepard isn't treated as one of the galaxies most important people to ever live. Instead, Shepard is stripped of his/her spectre status, blacklisted from the alliance, and just looked down upon with scorn and contempt. His friends are long gone, love interest is dead/broke up with them, and almost all traces of his/her heroics are gone. It could be because of the situation of Arrival, the sabotage of the genophage, hell, Shepard could have a video of him/her eating a baby for all I care, I just want to see Shepard as just some old drunk who claims to be one of the greatest heroes who ever lived, with passersby just humoring him/her by listening to these stories.</p><p>Bonus points if one of his/her former squadmates (could be Liara, could be Tali, could be anyone) finding him and taking him/her in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so there is a lot of stuff I should say here really. Point one I have to claim that the relays weren't destroyed because that whole clusterfuck is just not something I want to touch down on. (stranded aliens and what not) - And this is just a silly little fanfic, so there is no need to get all uber-canon-nazi on it.
> 
> Artwork by [Paty-Wolf](http://paty-wolf.deviantart.com/) & [betti357](http://betti357.deviantart.com/)

_Everybody knows that the war is over  
Everybody knows the good guys lost  
Everybody knows the fight was fixed  
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich  
That's how it goes  
Everybody knows  
-Leonard Cohen_

 

John Shepard woke with a jolt as the bartender Sue poked him. "John-John! We're closed, go home." Shepard lifted his head, wiping off drool from his chin. Not even bothered to form an actual answer, he just grunted and gracelessly slipped off the barstool. Furrowing his brows he aimed for the door to the parking lot. "Hey John-John?" Sue called, not stopping John who just pushed forward, trying to home in on the doorframe. 

Sue tossed down the rag and walked over to John, offering him a steadying hand. "How about I drive you home? You can't make it all the way to Hidden Valley like that." 

"S'pressiated." John slurred. 

"Don't mention it." Sue snickered, struggling with holding John up on his feet, and out through the door. "Stay there." She said softly and placed him on a crate outside the door, "I have to lock the door." 

Shepard just nodded, his eyes closed. 

Sue put the keys back in her pocket after locking the bar, grabbing a hold of John again, "Come on old man, you need to sleep." 

"S'not old." John argued weakly as he let Sue help him maneuver him into her car.

"Could have fooled me John-John." Sue snickered slamming the door, preventing Shepard from stumbling out again. She got into the drivers seat. "You know John-John, you could do with a new jacket, might have more luck with the ladies." She said softly, turning the key in the ignition.

"I like this one." John slurred, running a dirty hand down the sleeve of his standard issue N7 jacket. "S'been with me," He drifted off, closing his eyes again, "Fo'longer than most people." 

Sue just shook her head, "If you say so John-John." She rolled down the window, hoping it would sober John-John a little so he might not be so hard to get up the steps to his home. But he just sat there with a mysterious, drunk smile on his lips enjoying the breeze in his face. Sue leaned in and tried to find something decent on the radio, but after searching through the entire FM band, she gave up. "John-John tell me a story." 

"Why? You think I'm a crazy drunk anyway." Shepard mumbled, not opening his eyes. 

"Humor me." Sue said, "I had a horrible day at the bar today, I could use with a happy story." 

Shepard bit his lips, "Sorry Sue." He said softly, "Don't know any happy stories." 

Sue turned her head real quick to look at Shepard, she wasn't even aware that he knew her name. "Were you ever married John-John?" she asked, poking for a story.

"No." Shepard said finally opened his eyes. 

"Sorry." Sue said sofly, not wanting to offend him.

Shepard turned his head and looked at her, "You? Were you ever married?" 

"Yeah." Sue said, "He turned out he liked my sister better, that unfaithfull shitstain." Sue smiled, "So packed my things and came out here to start over, and that would be around.. ten years ago. Fancy that John-John, we have known eachother for ten years." 

"Fancy that." John sighed, closing his eyes again.

"We're here" Sue said, stopping the car, "Can you get out on your own? Or do you need help?" 

"I'm fine." John said, "Thanks for the ride." He opened the door and got out, stumbling slightly towards the door of his small mobile home. Opening the door he was met by a dog, "Yeah yeah Alenko, I'm here now." 

Sue shook her head, confident that John wouldn't stumble and hurt himself on his way home. She turned the key in the ignition and drove off.

~*~

You could say a lot of things about John, but he was regular as clockwork, arriving at the bar at nine, drinking himself into oblivion, stumbling home when it closed. When Sue had started this job, she had been warned about crazy John-John, he would cry a river anyone who bothered to listen, telling unbelievable stories about strange planets, and the crew on the Normandy. The regulars at the bar tolerated John because he was all in all a harmless tosser, and they all just humored him when he went off in his stories about the fabled Commander Shepard. This one fella actually saluted him, just out of spite. 

Except this specific evening John didn't show, Sue was puzzled when the clock struck ten, and dead worried at elleven. "Hey Paul," She waved one of the regulars over, "Have you seen John-John?" 

Paul shook his head, "Nah, He probably escaped Arkansas on the Normandy, what do I know?" 

Sue rolled her eyes. And as she closed down the bar, she took a decision. John-John's place was on her way home anyway, sorta, if you squinted your eyes it wasn't a massive detour. Okay fuck it, it was a mother of a detour, but she was really worried. And so she got into her car driving to the mobile home where she had dropped him off so many times. 

When she got there she was surprised to see him sit outside, he looked comfortable with a bottle between his feet, leaned back in an old, torn wiccer chair. Sue parked her car on the other side of the road and got out, walking up to where John sat staring off into the stars. "Hey." She said, which set off the dog she had forgotten all about. The dark brownish mutt came running around the corner barking like no tomorrow.

"Shut the fuck up dog!" John yelled, efficiently reducing the dog's barking to muttered woofs as it trodded over to it's master, sitting at John's side, staring accusing at Sue. "Good boy, Alenko." John said, petting it's head. "Jesus, I always wanted to say that!" He roared with laughter, the joke lost on both the dog and Sue. 

"So uhm.." Sue said, "I just wanted to check if you were alright. You didn't come by the bar, and.." She smiled sweetly, fidgeting the hem of her blouse,

"I didn't mean to worry you." John said, sounding more lucid than he had for years. "Sit." He gestured at a dangerous looking wooden chair next to his. "Want a beer?" 

"Sure." Sue said sitting, "If it isn't too much trouble." 

"It's the least I can do." John said, standing from his chair, picking up his empty bottle from the ground. "Anyway I needed a refill." He smiled at her in a strange boyish manner she also hadn't seen before. He walked into his home, closely followed by the dog. 

Sue tested the chair, but it didn't seem like it was going to give out on her. She leaned back and looked up into the starlit sky, she had to admit it was really beautiful on a night like this. Made you feel insignificant and small.

"Awe striking, isn't it?" John asked as he came back out, seeing her staring off into the sky.

"It is." She admitted.

He handed her the beer and sat down again. "Somehow I had imagined this different." John said, "Peace, and growing old." 

"You aren't that old." Sue said, "You can't be more than 40." 

Shepard laughed amused, "I feel 140." 

Sue just took a sip of her beer and thought that she would feel anchient if she drank as much as he did. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, "So how come you didn't come by today?" 

"Do you think I'm crazy too?" John asked, answering her question with a question of his own.

Sue shrugged awkwardly. "I don't know John-John, I mean all those stories of being Commander Shepard, saving the earth from the Reapers, are a little wild. Come on, why would a war hero spend his life getting drunk in the middle of nowhere in the midwest?" 

John nodded, "True. It does sound crazy." 

"But?" 

"But maybe Commander Shepard had nowhere else to go?" John said, looking directly at Sue. "I saved them from the Reapers, and they court marshalled me. Stripping me of everything, my Spectre status, my achievements, my glory. Instead I was made out to be a war criminal, Genocide. How crazy is that? They buried me for destroying a cluster with Batarian Civilians." John took a sip of his beer, "They banned me from the Alliance for my work with Cerberus, calling it undermining the morale. If they had seen their chance I'm sure they would have tried me for treason and locked me away. As it was I was just demoted, estranged, and dropped off on my homeworld with a decent pension." He laughed at it himself, "Isn't that sorta funny? They didn't take my pension. Suppose they expected me to crawl away and die somewhere." 

Sue just nodded politely, listening.

"You don't believe me?" He stood up and held out his hand to her, "Come on, let me show you something." When she looked slightly alarmed, Shepard shook his head amused, "Don't worry I won't jump you." 

Sue was slightly embarassed by her own hesitation, hadn't she driven all the way out here to see him in the first place. So she followed him and the dog inside. 

John took down a holo from a shelf, It was a bunch of people in the standard N7 uniform. "I'm there." He pointed at himself in the picture, "And there's Liara, Joker, Ashley, Garrus and Kaidan." 

Sue studied the photo and then John. "I'll be damned, that does actually look like you." 

John reached for a holo more which had more people on it, "I'm there." He repeated held out the holo "Tali, Joker, Garrus and Jack" He said, and then smiled "Look, you can just make out Thane there in the back. Suppose he didn't care for having his photo taken." 

This time Sue pointed at a holo with a pair of dogtags danging from the corner, "Who is that?" 

John took down the holo and ran his fingers over it lovingly before handing it to Sue. "That is Major Alenko." He sighed sadly, "He's been dead for a decade." He took the other photos from Sue and placed them up on the shelf. 

Sue noted that John's eyes was moist as he took the picture of the smiling Major and put it up on the shelf. She noted that he pocketed the dogtags and didn't hang them up there again. "So what if I believe you? Why haven't you ever shown anybody else this? Why do you let them ridicule you like that?" 

John shrugged, he didn't really have an answer for her. 

~*~

"So." Sue said, trying to fill the silence. "All those people in the holos, what happened to them?" 

Shepard took his time to answer, sighing he looked up at the holos again, "Some died, some went on to do their thing I suppose." 

"Never kept in touch with any of them?" Sue asked, putting her empty beer bottle down on a desk, leaning against it, studying Shepard. She really wanted to believe this, she just found it very hard to comprehend. It just didn't make sense to her what so ever. If this was John Shepard, then he was a goddamn hero! The why would he waste his life away in a trailer with a dog as his only companion? Maybe he was just a sad old sod with a hero complex, she didn't know.

"No," Shepard said, turning around eyeing the empty beer bottle. "Refill?" He asked politely.

Sue bit her lip, thinking. "Sure, but only one, I'm driving." 

"Alright." Shepard said, walking into the kitchen to get two beers from the fridge. 

Curiosity got the better of Sue, and she walked over to the shelf with the holos again, looking them over. "So John-John, is that fella, with the dogtags the reason that you never got married?" She called, loud enough for John to hear in the kitchen.

"Suppose so." Shepard answered softly. He took a deep breath and walked back into the livingroom and Sue. "You know the reason I didn't go anywhere tonight is.." He paused and opened Sue's beer before handing it to her. "It's his birthday." He smiled a little awkward. "I know it's stupid, but.." 

"That's not stupid." Sue argued, "That is just about the most romantic thing I heard in a very long time." 

Shepard laughed taking a sip of his beer before gesturing for Sue to follow him outside again. 

~*~

They sat in silence and stared at the starlit skies, when John suddenly whispered, "You know, I don't regret a whole lot, but I do regret not making sure that Kaidan weren't in the line of fire." He closed his eyes and smiled sadly, "Not that he would have listened to me anyway." The dog Alenko whined and rested it's heavy head in John's lap. John placed his hand on it's head. but not moving a muscle apart from that. "He always were so goddamn stubborn." John's voice became a whisper. 

Sue didn't know what to say, so she just took a sip of her beer. "What I don't understand," She finally said, "Is; why here? Why this place of all places?" 

Shepard grinned bitterly. "Because that is where I stranded. Nothing more to it." He opened his eyes and looked over at Sue, "Plus you can see the stars real clear out here. Like no where else." 

Emptying her beer, Sue stood up. "Well." She said "It has been really nice, but I have to get on home." 

"But of course." Shepard said, standing up as well. "We should do this again some day." He said holding out his hand.

"Absolutely." Sue said shaking Shepard's hand. "Good night John-John," She smiled down at the dog. "And you too Alenko." 

Shepard sat in his chair looking down the road long after the taillights of Sue's car was gone. "Do you think she believed us Major?" He asked the dog who slept at his feet. "I like to think she did." He stuck his hand in his pocket and dug out Kaidan's dogtags. "You were supposed to be here," He whispered, "Drinking your stupid canadian beer, making old-man jokes, enjoying peace." John's lip trembled, and he quickly pocketed the dogtags again. "Oh well," He sighed getting up from the chair, startling the dog. "I'll give them back to you someday. But no yet." He mumbled walking into the dark house. 

~*~

The next evening Sue was glad to see Shepard entering the bar with a smile, he chatted about this and that. His neigbors damn tree that would shed all it's leaves in his front yard and other smalltalk. He didn't even seem to be in a hurry to get plastered, he just seemed like he genuinely just liked the company. Even when that guy who saluted him every day, told him he was a crazy drunk. Most the regulars huddled in the bar waiting out the thunderstorm outside, not really looking forward to go outside and get soaked again. The evening was slow and eventless for everyone else but Sue. All of them stayed in and ordered dinner too, which only gave her twice the work as on a regular Tuesday. 

An hour before closing time she finally sat down on the lower table behind the bar, and pulled off her shoes, massaging her feet. "You'd think that I had gotten more used to this after so many years in this job." 

"Maybe you just need new shoes?" John said, leaning in over the bar, dangling a burbon glass in his hand, trying to convince himself to go home. And that the dog was most likely frantic because of the thunder.

"Maybe." Sue said with a blissfull sigh kicking off the other shoe too. 

Everybody's attention was caught by the door to the parkinglot as it swung open. A hooded soaked man entered. He politely closed the door after him and walked up to the bar, pushing his hood down. Leaning in over the bar at Shepard's side the stranger said "Who's like us?" The stranger smiled from ear to ear when he could see Shepard visibly tensing with surprise. "Damn few." 

"And they're all dead." Shepard finished before swinging around on the barstool staring straight into his old friends grinning face. 

"Commander." James said, unable to hide his happiness over finally finding the aloof soldier.

"Vega!" James said, blinking rapidly as to try and determine if it was delerium or real.

~*~

Sue served them a drink each, on the house. She couldn't help but to notice that it had been long since she had heard John-John carry a conversation so easy, somehow it seemed like those two had seen eachother last week. 

Shepard shook his head with a laugh, listening to James about his less than glorious trip there, hitchhiking for days with different more or less sane people. "So.." He finally said, "How did you know I'd be here?" He asks.

"Comander." James said slamming down his drink, "You aren't exactly the hardest person to find, if someone puts their mind to it." 

"I thought I had hidden away quite well." Shepard said, sounding slightly put off that it apparently had been so easy to track him down. 

"No offence." James chuckled, "You never bothered to change your name for one." He smiled at his old Commander, "Also I used to, uhm, know this girl who was in the Alliance finiancial department, and your pension aren't exactly hard to follow either.. Again if you know where to look." He smiled a little clever smile, amused that Shepard looked slightly unsettled.

"Alright." John said, "So you were looking for me I take it? Why that?" 

"Why not?" James said with a slight shrug, waving at Sue to bring them both a new drink. As Sue came over James gave her his most charming smile, "And one for the lady too." 

Last week Sue would have said 'I thought you already bought one for John-John' but now that she had gotten to know him a little better, she felt a remark like that would be heartless and cruel, even if it was meant as a jest. "Thank you." She smiled, "I never got your name." 

"James Vega, Ma'am." James said, ignoring Shepard's dirty grin.

"Roll it in, Marine." Shepard laughed, genuinely amused. Sue joined in the laughter finding John's laughter contagious. 

"Sorry ma'am." James said holding out his hand, "Old habits die hard, I hope you understand." 

"It's fine," Sue chuckled, "I have heard worse. And atleast you haven't grabbed my ass yet." 

"Give him twenty minutes and three drinks more." Shepard mumbled amused, even as James punched him lightly on his arm.

"I gotta get back to work fellas." Sue said followed by a deep sigh, "We don't want the others to think I'm giving you two special treatment." She winked as she left.

"I like her." James grinned as she left.

"Sue is a good person." Shepard just said, returning to his drink. 

~*~

As James and John stumbled out of the bar and made their way to John's car, Sue called behind them. "You two! You shouldn't be driving! Either of you! Come on I'll give you a lift, and you can pick up your car tomorrow." 

"Yes Ma'am." James saluted her before breaking down laughing, dragging Shepard towards Sue's car. "And that's an order." John mutterd under his breath, giggling, causing James to giggle as well. Sue just rolled her eyes and waited for them to get into her car. 

"A pair of regular comedians, huh?" She said, but couldn't hide her grin in the rearweiv mirror. 

~*~

Sue dropped them off at John's trailer, and drove away. And John walked up and opened the door, letting out a very exited dog, untill it saw James and it started to growl backing away behind John's legs.. "Relax Major." He slurred, "It's okay, he's a friend." But the dog kept growling, and Shepard just took it by the collar and shoved it outside, shutting the door. "Goddamn dog." He muttered, "Hang on a second, I'll find a pillow or something."

"Sure." James said, walking over to the same shelf that Sue had been studying, taking down a picture with himself in it, he smiled. Funny how those days seemed like yesterday, and still they felt like a million years ago. Like they never happened. "I have never taken you for a sentimental man, Shepard." He said out loud.

"I am probably a lot of things that you never thought I was." John said coming back into the room, carrying a pillow and a blanket. He tossed it on the sofa, and turned to James. "Look at how young you were." He grinned.

"I could say the same about you, Sir." James grinned, putting the picture back. "Wonder if Liara ever had all those kids she wanted." 

"I am sure she did." Shepard said with a little smile, "I like to tell myself that they are all alright, you know? That peace really meant that they got the life they always wanted." He smiled awkwardly at James, "I thought that you would have been a teacher or something by now." 

James laughed bitterly. "No, I.." He sat down on the sofa and pulled off his boots, "I know you don't know anything about what happened after the whole reaper business, but while you were scavenged and patched up, the rest of us had our own shit to deal with, okay?" 

"Sorry." Shepard whispered, "I know, it's just.." 

"Don't worry about it Comander." Vega said, "Thanks for letting me crash, by the way." 

"Don't mention it." Shepard said, "I enjoy the company." He turned around and walked into his bedroom, sitting down at the foot end of his bed, clutching Kaidan's dogtags under his shirt. Somehow, seeing Vega made him miss Kaidan all the more, like it just got more real again. With a sigh he got up and pulled off his shirt, tossing it in the hamper, before tiptoing through the living room where James was snoring already. To let the dog in again, "Come on boy!" He called out into the night. It took long moments before there was a reaction, but then the dog came around the corner. "Don't be like that." John couldn't help but to smile over the dog's slightly miffed expression. "He's not staying, so behave." He stepped aside letting the dog inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard often dreamt of Kaidan. Sometimes he was killing enemies like no tomorrow, leaving Shepard in awe over his powers, but also left him with a sweet surge inside, knowing that it was the same hands that would caress him when night fell. Sometimes he dreams that Kaidan was adoringly awkward, mumbling, blushing, falling over his words trying to express his feelings. And sometimes he dreamt that Kaidan was naked, flushed, and moaning 'John' in that goddamn sexy husky voice of his as they made love. But in all of those dreams, his lover was alive. And every morning John would wake to the real world, a world that no longer held Kaidan. A world where he had not even been allowed to attend the funeral, being locked up in the stockade, awaiting the councils judgement of him. And every morning he felt the emptyness of his bed. At times he could fool himself to think that someone was next to him, and if he laid completely still and kept his eyes closed he could feel the warmth of a palm on his hip, and a sigh of his name in his ear. The second he opened his eyes it was all gone, and those were the days where he woke up crying. He would beat himself over it mentally, that he could still fool himself like this, torture himself like this. After this many years, he should know better. Someone had just forgot to pass that message to his broken heart. 

But sometimes like tonight, Kaidan was indeed dead. Shepard found himself stumbling through the rubble of London, he had a hard time breathing, and his eyesight kept getting unfocused. He could hear chatter on the radios, but he didn't care. He fell to his knees as his legs refused to work. Shepard let out a very undignified cry, feeling his body giving up on him. He had to find Kaidan, he had promised him! And he intended to keep true to that promise. "Kai-dan." He growled as he struggled to get to his feet again. He stumbled aimlessly through burning cars and other shellshocked soldiers, clutching his side, he could feel the hot wetness seeping out though his fingers, but he was afraid to look. "It's the Major!" Someone yelled, catching Shepard's attention, "Wa-wait.." He tried to call, but it was just a whisper that left his lips. He stumbled towards the two people digging in the rubble, he blinked rapidly to focus. He knew them, they were some of Kaidan's students. They hadn't noticed him and he almost fell over them as made it there. "God." A student gasped gently brushing some dirt from Kaidan's pale face. "No!" Shepard gasped, "Dear God, no." He looked down Kaidan's horribly mangled body. He took Kaidan's lifeless hand in his own bloody ones, "Talk to me, please say something.." He wept, "Get your ass up Soldier!" He said broken, untill he just fell on top of his dead lover and screamed from the top of his lungs, bleeding out on the dirt. He registered that someone was pulling on his shoulders. But he just wanted to die right here, this was just.. 

"Shepard!" 

"Shepard!" 

"Dammit! John!" 

John opened his eyes, his throat felt raw from screaming, he was bathed in sweat and shaking. Holding his side where there were only a gnarly scar now. "Oh God." He gasped, "Oh shit." He took a couple of deep breaths hoping to controll his tears. 

James didn't even think, he just buried John in a hug, holding the trembling man close. He thought of a lot of things to say, but they all seemed redundant, like 'had a nightmare?' - what a joke. "I'm sorry Shepard." He just whispered, "But you were screaming." 

Shepard still tried to controll his heart that hammered away in his chest. "I hate that dream the most." He whispered against James' shoulder, "Because I know that it's the truth." He clutched James' tshirt, like he was clinging to dear life. "I like the ones where he smiles better." Shepard whispered. "I need him to smile, you understand that, right?" 

Even James who was not easy to shock, felt tears tingle in the corners of his eyes. "I do," He said softly. "I do." 

Finally Shepard awkwardly moved out of the embrace and though he was still visibly shaken, he got to his feet. "I need a drink." 

"No you don't." Vega said, but didn't stop him. He just got up from the bed and walked after Shepard into the livingroom. "You know.." James tried with a gentle tone, "Maybe we should go for a run? The weather looks nice, and well.. it's uhm.. four in the morning, there ain't no one else out there." He smiled boyish, "Perfect huh?" 

Shepard glared at James and tossed down the drink, making himself another. "Why would I wanna do that?" He asked.

James sat down on a chair and stared at John slamming down drinks in nothing but his boxers and dogtags. "To spend time I suppose." 

"I don't want to spend time." John said bitterly, "I am just too chickenshit to end it, and don't think I haven't sat here many nights with a goddamn gun in my mouth." The hand that wasn't holding the drink, grabbed the dogtags. "Once I might have wanted to move on, but I just couldn't. I don't care about anything but that fucking empty space at my side, the space that was supposed to hold him! But it doesn't and now I don't know what to do! No matter what I do, that empty space just follows, like a clingy one-night stand." He took a deep breath, "But when I'm drunk, I don't notice it as much, sometimes I'm actually okay, sometimes I just sit and stare at the stars and think about how lucky I was to fly around amongst them, to belong up there. And I think of all of you, all those who have served under my command. And I hope that you are all happy, you all decerve to be. "Shepard's head dropped and he took a deep breath. "And sometimes there is nothing but this place, and the horrible emptiness that should have held Kaidan." 

James leaned forward in his chair and looked at Shepard crumbling before him. He knew it should have weirded him out, because the Commander he knew never really showed feelings. Not like this. But it didn't make him feel awkward, not even the spot on his tshirt wet with John's tears. "If you want to be alone I understand." He said, chosing his words carefully. "But I would like to stay a little while if it's okay with you, maybe I can, you know.. fill that space a little." He smiled a little embarassed as he realised how his words came out, "I don't mean it like that, I just mean that you might want another person around. So it's not just you and the dog, and your drink." 

Shepard nodded, "Why you would want that is beoynd me." 

"Does it matter?" James said with a slight shrug.

"Not really no." Shepard admitted with a little grateful smile that wasn't lost on James. He was a lot of things, but he wasn't an idiot. He knew that Shepard had never asked for anything for himself, always bending backwards for everyone else. And the one thing he had wanted was taken from him. He still remembered that they had to knock him out with brute force to get him off Kaidan's corpse. So he understood the Commanders sorrow, even if he didn't. But he knew what it was like to not have things pan out like you wanted them to, and he knew sacrifice. 

"How about we get dressed and drive into town and buy some actual food?" Vega said with a little smile. "There ain't nothing but beer and dogfood in your kitchen." 

"You know how to cook, Marine?" Shepard said in a lame attempt to be funny, when he felt anything but. 

"Sure do." James said, clapping his thighs as he stood. "Let's get to it." 

~*~

A month passed and to Shepard's surprise Vega didn't seem like he was leaving anytime soon. He had absolutely improved the food experience in the house, to Shepard's surprise he had dealt with laundry and general upkeep. At first he had protested, but James had insisted, and in the end Shepard had just let him do the chores, somehow it gave Vega a purpose, and everyone needs a purpose, right? John pulled the Alliance Marine cap down to shield his eyes from the sun, he was sitting in the garden with a beer, just watching the occational car going by on the road. Because everyone needed a purpose. He looked down at the Major who had found himself a shadowry spot. He couldn't help but to think he might have used up all his purpose, and now all he had to do was keep breathing. Or maybe he had to stick around so the poor dog wouldn't starve to death, or so Sue had someone to drive home. He frowned, it didn't help thinking like this, it would drive him mad, and it was the reason that he chose to stay galvanized in alcohol. James had suggested that he could come with him to a meeting for veterans, but Shepard couldn't really see himself as a whiney old bastard in group therapy for manly men. James had laughed and said it was nothing like that, that people just got together and had coffee, chilling, knowing that everyone else had been though the same as they had, so there was no need to explain the pain. Shepard had shut him down with a haughty snort and left for the bar. Because who had after all been through the same as he had? No one, that was who. "Look who's feeling sorry for himself again.." He mumbled half to the empty road, half to the dog. "I'm just so tired of waiting." He took a sip of his lukewarm beer. What exactly was he waiting for? Death? He knew that wasn't it, Lord knows he had tried so many times that he had lost count, to just end it. But in the end he had put the gun away and went to bed with a drink, and the sour taste of defeat in his mouth. The what was he waiting for? To be alive? Yeah maybe that was it, maybe he just needed to suck it up and get on with it. But how do you just 'suck it up' when you feel like one half of your soul is gone? the one reason he could have found to suck it up. He closed his eyes and for once he felt too close to tears in an almost sober state. "He ain't never coming back you old idiot." Shepard whispered to himself. He took a deep breath to supress the sadness. 

Alenko barked from his shadowry spot, but it was too warm for the dog to actually bother with getting up. "Some killer you are." Shepard chuckled, squinting his eyes seeing his own car approach out on the road. "It's just James, you fool." 

James drove in to the side and parked, coming out the car with groseries and a big smile. "Hey there you two. Look who I found." 

Sue came out the other side and smiled a little sadly at Shepard as he waved halfhearted as he downed the rest of his warm beer. "It's not even twelve yet, John." She said slightly dissapproving.

John ignored her and got up from his chair to get another beer inside. 

"Just don't." James sighed, "I don't need him in one of his moods." 

"Sorry." Sue said softly. "Occupational hazard I suppose. And I happen to like that grumpy bastard, the last thing I want is to see him drink himself into an early grave." 

James actually laughed, but how could he not? "Oh Sue.." He shook his head amused and picked up the groserybags, "Have you ever thought that it might be exactly what he wants?" 

"Still.." Sue bit her lip, "We shouldn't enable it, should we?" 

"Says you? serving him beer from four to four?" James walked grinning into the house, leaving Sue outside.

"What is she doing here?" Shepard demanded to know, when James came into the kitchen. 

"Whoa man, what's with the hostility?" James put down the bags and held up his hands as he surrendered.

"It's just.." Shepard sighed, he knew perfectly well how unreasonable it sounded, but he 'liked' just being him and James here... when it had become him and James he had no idea, he used to like it just fine, just being him. And maybe, maybe he was a tiny bit jealous? 

"For me?" James said shooting Shepard a little secretive grin. the sort of grins you give someone who's supposed to get the unsaid joke. And suddenly it dawned on John, "You and Sue?" 

"Nah, I mean I don't know.. It's just one of those.." James trailed off, "She does have a fine ass, though." 

Shepard rose a brow, abandoning his unopened beer on the desk to cross his arms over his chest. "Are you expecting me to buy that shit?" He asked.

"Okay.." James sighed and pulled a sixpack up from the grosery bag. "I asked her on a date, that's all." 

Shepard nodded, "You better be a gentleman, Vega. Or I will hear about it." He opted for a joke and a smile, but inside he could feel a odd, cold, unsetteling feeling take shape. He knew he was being ridicolous, and that he should wish them both all the luck they could get, He didn't know about James, but Sue sure could do with a decent man, someone who could sweep her off her feet and take her far away from this place. And perhaps that was the problem? That he didn't want to see James leave, that he had gotten so used to his company by now that it would be strange and empty to be alone again. - Yeah keep telling yourself that - A nagging voice said in the back of his head, but he ignored it. "So.." Shepard said, realising he had zoned out there for a moment. "When is it?" 

James actually blushed slightly, "Tonight, I just wanted to come back and fix you some dinner you could reheat or something." He smiled goofy at Shepard. 

"Just go James, I can fix my own damn dinner." Shepard said, hating the bitter tone that sept into his voice. 

"Don't be like that." James said, giving John an oddly sad and betrayed look.

"Like what?" John said in childish defense, picking up his beer again, and this time he opened it with a pop. He had to busy his hands, and his mind. He was sure he was going completely crazy or something, he couldn't really understand why he was acting like this, but he couldn't help it.

"Like a ditched prom date." James said.

John just looked up at James, his eyes were hard and angry. "I think your date is getting lonely." Was all he could say, pushing off the counter, and walked out of the kitchen with long angry strides. 

~*~

John stepped out into the small garden, finding Sue sitting waiting in the same chair she had sat in last she was there. "So what are you two up to tonight?" He asked casually, slinking down in his own old wiccer chair. 

"No good, I hope." Sue laughed.

John laughed too. Yeah he was being ridicolous, those two were a good match. "That's the spirit." 

James came out in the door with a cup of coffee for him and Sue. "What is so funny?" 

"Nothing." Sue said, chuckling, accepting the coffee with a smile.

~*~

Shepard went to the fridge to get another beer, he eyed the offending dinner in a container, and closed the door harder than he needed to. He walked outside again, closely followed by the dog. He sat down and looked up at the night sky. "Just you and me and the stars, huh Alenko?" He took a deep breath and petted the dog on the head. "Just like it used to be." The dog whined and attemted to crawl up on Shepard's lap, he pushed it down and chuckled, "Exept your breath is atrocious." 

He opened his beer and sighed, "What the hell is wrong with me?" he took a long sip of the cool liquid. Maybe he just liked James' company? Just like he had liked Kaidan's? "No..No, nuh uh.." He mumbled to himself, that wasn't it. Absolutely not it. Except he had to admit that he found James very easy to talk to, and honestly very easy on the eyes too. Maybe he should have said yes to that stupid weekly veterans meeting? Maybe they could have had something... Oh God, what was he thinking? Was he honestly thinking up ways of being in James' company? Or being more, uhm.. compliable? No, he was just mindfucking himself now. He just felt slightly left behind, and was drunk and sentimental. That was it. Yeah, that was it, right?

~*~

When James finally came home, dawn was about to break in the horizon. And as he got out of the car, he was greeted by the dog. "Why are you out here?" He laughed at the dog wiggling it's way around his legs. He looked up and saw John sitting in his wiccer chair, sound asleep. "You idiot." He sighed, and walked over to help Shepard inside and into his bed, like he had done so many times before. "Come on Commander, it's bedtime." He hauled Shepard to his feet and carried him inside. 

"Kaidan?" Shepard mumbled, not opening his eyes, but a little smile played on his lips.

"No, It's me; James." Vega said.

Shepard just hummed something that James couldn't hear, and then he bended over slightly and barfed where they stood. 

"Jesus." James sighed, "That is gonna be a bitch to get out of your carpet." 

Shepard didn't answer, he just spat on the floor. 

With equal measures of will and muscle power, James got Shepard into his bed. Shepard sat down and let James untie his boots. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you did this on purpose." James stood again, and playfully pushed Shepard flat on his back in the bed. "Sleep tight Commander." He could hear Shepard mumble something, so he stopped and bend down to hear it. "You want a bucket or something, just in case?" James asked. Instead of an answer Shepard grabbed his shirt and pulled him down into the bed. "What the.. - Shepard?" Vega whispered in the half light of the bedroom, not getting an answer, but instead he felt Shepard curl up against him, wrapping an arm over his chest, holding him tight. James sighed, so this was how it was gonna be huh? Shepard being so shitfaced he didn't know the difference between him and Major Alenko. He laid there and listened to Shepard's breath slowing down, and when he thought that the Commander slept, he attempted to sneak out from the rather sudden embrace. "Jimmy." Shepard whispered against his shoulder. "Don't go."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go Commander. ;)

Shepard woke with a throbbing head, he almost didn't want to open his eyes knowing that the light would hurt his eyes. Groaning into his pillow he tried to fall asleep again, but he could hear rustling in the kitchen, the sound of dog paws on cheap linolioum floor. He couldn't help but chuckle as he heard James yell after the dog to get out of his way. Pushing off the mattress, Shepard forced himself up into a sitting position. His stomach growled and complained. He looked down at his feet, he didn't remember taking his boots off, honestly he didn't remember getting in bed, but he also couldn't remember that he 'didn't' get into bed. He remembered sitting outside talking to the dog, like a goddamn village idiot. Shepard licked his dry lips and got off the bed on wobbly legs, maybe James was right about this drinking business, maybe he should take a break, try to find back to something important. He frowned. Like what? All he knew was war, and there was no war to be had. 

James looked over his shoulder as the dog suddenly left it's place at his feet. "Oh goodmorning sunshine." He chuckled, seeing Shepard leaning heavily against the doorframe, looking slightly pale.

"'Mornin'." Shepard mumbled, "What's that?" He nodded at the pan with eggs and vegetables at the stove.

"Lunch." James stated turning his back to Shepard again, grinning at himself.

"Lunch? What time is it?" Shepard scratched his neck, and looked around for a clock, even if he knew he didn't have one in the kitchen.

"Lunch time." James grinned.

"Smartass." Shepard huffed weakly, finally pushing off the door frame and walked through the kitchen to the living room. 

"There's fresh coffee." James called from the kitchen. 

Shepard looked at the dining table that had two cups and a coffee pot. He sat down on one of the chairs and picked up a cup, turning it in his hand, studying it. He looked up and over at the bottle of booze at the desk, and back at the coffee cup again. "What are you? My wife?" Shepard scowled, but none the less poured himself a cup of coffee. 

James entered the room with two plates of food, placing one infront of Shepard and one on the other side of the table, where he sat down. "I don't know, I felt a little bad that you had been waiting up for me." 

"I didn't wait up for you." Shepard said, carefully sipping his coffee, "I just forgot to go to bed." 

"Right." James chuckled and dug into his food.

"Uhm.." Shepard put down his cup and pushed his plate across the table for James to eat that too. He just couldn't take the sight of food right now. "I have been thinking about something." Smiling a little awkward he waited for James to look up at him. "Those meetings, maybe.. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea." 

"Great!" James smiled with his mouth full of food. He swallowed quickly and added, "We can go next Sunday." When Shepard just looked puzzled James looked down, his ears flushing red. "I can't tonight, I promised Sue that.." 

"Oh okay. Sure." Shepard said a little too fast. "That's good, next Sunday's fine." 

"But." James put down his fork and looked directly at Shepard, he was sure that Shepard would have changed his mind next Sunday. "I can just call Sue, and.." 

Shepard rose a brow, "You don't just leave a lady hanging like that." He let James pour him some coffee, "We can just go next week, it's fine. Really." 

"Sure?" James sounded just as suspicious as he looked. 

"Absolutely." Shepard said, "So.." He forced a dirty grin, "How was the date?" 

"Fine." James' ear flushed tomato again. 

Shepard would have laughed at the blushing if he had had it in him, but as it was all he could feel was that strange pressure on his chest, remembering how Kaidan had blushed when Tali had asked him a very impomputu question about his shirt that was on inside out. "Good." Shepard said softly, "A blundering success I take it, standing ovations and all?" 

"You could call it that." James laughed a little, "But I just don't know.. I can't figure her out, I mean, does she really like me? Or am I just the first idiot to take her out dancing?" 

"You think too much, Marine." Shepard chuckled and sipped his coffee. 

"Now there's two words I never thought I'd hear in the same sentence." James muttered, turning his attention to his own coffee.

It took a second for Shepard to realise that James had made a joke, and then he laughed, he laughed till his stomach hurt and he was clutching his side, amused tears rolling down his cheeks. James chimed in laughing too, not sure why Shepard found it so amusing, but he couldn't stop laughing. "God, I needed that." John panted still chuckling. 

~*~

Afternoon turned to evening, and John was trying to watch some stupid show on the telly, a beer resting on one knee, and the dog sleeping with it's head on the other. He could hear James whistle a tune in the bathroom as he got ready for the date. Maybe he should go to the bar? It had been a while since he had been there and people would start to wonder, or would they? They would probably just think that crazy old John-John had finally jumped off a bridge or got submitted somewhere. "Fuck'em." He mumbled to himself and turned his focus back to the telly. 

"Okay." James said as he came out into the living room, dressed and spotless clean. "I'm off. Catch you in the AM commander." He smiled wide.

"Sure." Shepard said looking up at James. Who he thought looked mostly like he was about to pick up his prom date or something. "Give them hell Marine." He said with little smile.

Something in John's tone made James stop, remembering the faint whisper 'Jimmy - don't go' "Are you gonna be okay? I mean, are you set? Do you need anything before I go?" He sat down on the armrest of the two person sofa, looking down at the Commander.

"I'm fine. Stop with the wife thing, it's getting creepy, James." Shepard said opting for a joke that just fell to the floor with a crash. 

James looked down at the dogtags on shepard's scarred chest. Without thinking about what he did too much, he picked them up and turned them in his hand. "These are Major Alenkos." He stated as he let them go again, the dogtags dangling in the chain around Shepard's neck.

"It is." 

James didn't know what to say, but somehow it just made him really sad. 

"I'm gonna give them back to him when..." John said in a near whisper. "Eventually." 

"Sorry." James said, not really know what else to say. 

"You think I'm crazy too?" Shepard asked, not moving his gaze from the telly. "I have seen the way Sue looks at me." 

"She's just worried about you, Shepard." James said with a slightly motherly tone.

John let out a haughty snort, "Of course she is." 

"Hey I know! You could come with us, we could just.." 

Shepard grinned bitterly, "I don't feel like waiting by the car while you two fuck eachothers brains out in a public restroom." 

"Shepard!" James said in feigned shock.

"Stop making me feel old and pathetic." Shepard sighed, and switched over to a channel where he could see the time. "You should get going if you don't want to be late, Vega." 

"You don't need me to feel like that." James huffed, but none the less got off the armrest with a sigh. "Okay, so you're all good?" 

"Dandy." 

"Good." James just said, turning on his heels and exiting the trailer with a curse under his breath. 

~*~

That night Shepard found himself sitting infront of the telly, with a drink in one hand and a gun in the other. If he closed his eyes he could make himself believe that he was still Commander Shepard, first human Spectre, and not some hollow shell. He could remember how at ease he had felt just laying in his bed, listening to Kaidan's steady heartbeat, staring at the stars outside the window. Feeling strong, spent and loved. He had loved that, just laying there listening to Kaidan sleep, feeling like they were the centre of the universe. Like this, right here was all that mattered. Hoping that the war was just an obstacle, and not the end. How naïve really. But those nights and mornings in his bed with Kaidan, that was what he had chosen to believe. What he needed to believe. After all he couldn't even imagine a world where he could not just rest his head on Kaidan's chest and ease his mind, chasing all troubles away, just listening to the strong, steady thadump-thadump. 

James was right, he was old and pathetic and it was all his own doing. But he just couldn't seem to shake the spell. And what the hell would Vega know about that anyway? Had he ever given an order that got his lover killed? Had he ever looked his lover in the eyes, knowing that they would litteraly die for you. And how could he ever explain that he had thought that if anyone were to die, it would be himself. And just what a coward that made him feel, knowing what he knew now. He would have let Kaidan live like this, never getting the answers he so desperately wanted, to questions he never got to ask. Shepard frowned, his grip tightened around the gun, he opened his eyes and stared at it. He wanted to aim it at himself, but with a snarl he aimed at the telly instead, blasting a giant hole in the screen. Tossing the gun on the floor he got up to get himself another beer. "Come on Alenko, lets go for a walk." He smiled at the terrified dog that had been awaken by the blast. "I'm not quite ready to give your dogtags back yet." He smiled at the dog and felt like a complete idiot. Major Alenko obediently followed his master for a walk under the starry sky. 

~*~

When Shepard came home he found James sound asleep on the sofa. He was sober enough to be puzzled, he thought James would haul an all nighter, dinner, dancing, the works. At least that had been his impression as Vega had readied himself. Out of habit Alenko jumped up on the sofa and curled up behind James' legs. It was his sofa before it had been Vega's after all. Shepard went into the bedroom and pulled off his boots, it felt good to have used his body some, just a couple of hours of walking was more exercise than he had done in years. Reality was that he mostly likely couldn't even run 2 clicks anymore. Tossing his shirt in the general direction of the laundry basket, he heard a voice from the living room.

"Shepard?" 

"Yeah?" John said slowly walking back into the living room, he leaned up against the door frame from the kitchen, amused at James' sleepy face. 

"What happened to the telly?" James mumbled rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"Got tired of commercials." Shepard said with a little grin. 

"Next time, try the remote." James chuckled slowly sitting up, trying not to disturb the sleeping dog. He over at Shepard in the dark room, "Where have you been?" 

"Out for a walk with the dog." Shepard shrugged. "Didn't mean to wake you." 

"it's okay, I'm a light sleeper." Vega said with a little boyish smile. "Always were." 

"Me too." Shepard said, hesitating for a moment, he added "I thought you'd be out till tomorrow." 

James just looked up at Shepard, "I don't know.." He cleared his throat, "I think I'm coming down with the flu or something." 

Shepard crossed the room and gingerly touched James' forehead, "Maybe you are running a little fever," He said, knowing very well that he wasn't, he just wanted to let James get out of it without admitting to anyhting that made him uncomfortable. And honestly he had ulterior motives too, he wasn't the least bit tired, and it was not as boring if there was someone to talk to. He wouldn't have to lay in bed and count spots on the ceiling. "I can make you some tea." He said, the irony not lost on either of them.

"That would be great." James said. 

John pulled in the blanket, only to have Alenko protest. "Have it like that." He groused, and let go of the corner of the blanket, "You can borrow mine." When James gave him an undetermind look, Shepard just shrugged and stood again, making his way to the kitchen in the dark. 

"Uhm, I don't think there's any tea." John called from the kitchen. "This shit will do though." He pulled out a bottle with a label that ought to scare anyone else from even considdering drinking it. "This stuff will cure anything, from the sniffles to the plague. You might go blind too." He grinned. "Want some?" 

James winched but nodded.

~*~

Later Vega found himself sitting in Shepard's bed, wrapped in his blanket. Alenko had regained dominion over his couch. And John was laying flat on his back, eyes closed but not sleeping, just welcomming the lazy buzz in his body. "Shepard?" Vega asked, turning to look at the Commander next to him on the bed.

"Mmmhmmm." 

"Can I ask you something personal?" 

"Sure." 

"The dogtags, what's the story? I just wondered if.." James mumbled, it had sounded better in his head, now it just sounded nosy and obnoxious.

John opened his eyes and popped up on an elbow, studying James. "You really wanna know?" James nodded. "Okay." Shepard said, "It's quite simple really, He had mine, and I have his. And we were supposed to swap back after the war." He flopped down on his back again, staring off into the ceiling. "A fool's guarentee for nothing I suppose." 

"You of all people know how important hope is." James said, glad that the talk had moved where he had hoped it would.

Shepard sighed. "I have tried to get rid of these dogtags like a bad curse. I have tried to toss them, tried to forget how scared he sounded when he gave them to me. I could -taste- the fear on him. And I chose to ignore it, and tried to give him hope instead." He laughed a little bitterly, "And what good did that do him? Or me? So fuck your hope." 

James eased himself down to lay on his bed and stare off into the ceiling like Shepard. "It wasn't your fault you know."

After a moment of silence Shepard let out a shaky breath, "You have no idea how much I want that to be true." 

"It is." James whispered. "He went to war for you, same as the rest of us. We knew the score, and did it anyway because we believed in you." Vega wet his lips, "He knew what he was doing. And he chose to be there, chose to fight." 

"Suppose you're right." John whispered back, "But that doesn't change anything, doesn't bring him back." 

"John." James said turning his head to look at Shepard in the dark. "Don't you think it's time you joined the living again?" 

"Last time I checked, I was still breathing." John huffed.

"You have been more dead than alive since the war." James stated, knowing he was out on a limb, and had to tread carefully or Shepard would just shut down on him again. "I'm not telling you to forget, but you should forgive yourself and.." 

"That would be nice." Shepard said softly, "Forgiveness." 

"The only one you need forgiveness from, is you." James said popping up on an elbow, studying Shepard's expression. 

"I don't think I can do that." John admitted, "I am sick and tired of feeling lost and empty."

"I'm right here." James said placing a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "And I'm not leaving. We'll figure something out, but you have to promise me to try." 

"I don't get you, James." Shepard sighed.

"You're my amigo Shepard." James said with a little grin on his lips, "And I have your back, like I always did." 

John smiled a genuine smile. "Thanks." 

~*~

James didn't know when he had fallen asleep, but he woke beause John were squirming in the bed. He was mumbling something that James could't make out, but it sounded desperate. For a moment he thought of shaking Shepard waking him from his nightmare. "The things I do." He whisperd to himself, pulling Shepard close. Relaxing as he felt Shepard relax in his arms, "I got you." He said in a hushed tone. "I got you."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters to go (or something like that) - Sorry for the delay, I got caught up in DA.

"What time is it?" Shepard slurred still mostly asleep.

James stretched a little, taking a long breath. "Dunno." He mumbled.

Shepard opened his eyes in panic, suddenly wide awake. He could hear James' heart beat in his chest, and feel the weight of a arm across his shoulders. thadump-thadump.. that steady, safe sound. Only problem was it the wrong chest. quickly sat up in the bed, relieved to see James wearing a shirt, okay so he hadn't done anything that couldn't be repaired. He didn't say anything, he knew he should, he could see James looked puzzled. But he just didn't know what to say, so he slipped off the bed and went to the bathroom. Painfully aware of his morning erection.

"Shepard?" James sat up in the bed, looking at the closed bathroom door. "Hey man, are you okay in there?"

"Yeah." Shepard yelled back, staring at himself in the mirror. So very confused, and ashamed. What the hell was James doing in his bed? When had they fallen asleep there? Shit.. Not only was James clearly into girls, but he had made a complete blithering fool out of himself, cuddeling up and getting out of bed with a goddamn boner. He wouldn't blame James for running screaming about now. "Shit." He sighed at his mirror image. He really liked having James around, it brought some life and some, yeah, purpose into things. He had a purpose with getting up, because he knew James would be on his case if he didn't. A reason to do the most simple things, without James he had the dog, and it he was surprised to realise that it was just not the same. What if James left? Then what? - Don't freak out- a voice in the back of his mind said, and yeah well he hadn't been really inapropritate had he? Maybe it would be okay?

"Shepard?" JAmes asked, knocking on the door before opening it, finding John at the mirror, staring into his own reflexion. None of them said anything for a while, and Shepard's grip on the sink was so hard that his knuckles went white. "I'm sorry." He finally said, looking at James in the reflexion of the mirror.

"For what?"

"For.." Shepard dropped his gaze and shook his head. "You know what." He finally just said.

James was about to deny it again, but then decided to just step into the bathroom, stopping besides John, leaning against the cold bathroom wall. "You have nothing to be sorry for." Jame said, opting for a little friendly smile, but when Shepard didn't react, James continued. "You had a nightmare, and I didn't want to wake you, so.." He trailed off and sighed, "Did you atleast sleep well?"

"Yeah, I did." John said, his voice still unchracteristically tiny. And it was a lie really, he had sleep like a fucking baby, it had been years and years since he had slept that well. But he wasn't about to admit that and humiliate himself or James further.

"Good." James said with a little careful smile, "So did I." A long moment of awkward silence and then he sighed, "I'm gonna make some breakfast." And then trodded out of the bathroom.

Shepard waited till James had left to look up at himself in the mirror again, why did he look so damn defeated? Just admit it, he told himself, you liked waking next to someone again, and he didn't freak, -you- did. He smiled at himself in the mirror. Now you go out there and eat breakfast and act as normal as you can, dammit. You didn't fuck it up, yet.

~*~

"I'm gonna go get us a new tv." James said as John came into the living room, dressed and his face in neutral folds.

"Is that so?" John grinned as he sat at the table.

"Dude, there is a hole the size of a dinner plate in the tv. In case you didn't notice." Vega said, putting down his spoon next to his bowl.

Shepard couldn't help but to laugh, causing James to snicker too. It felt good, like the tension just oozed out of everything. "So got any plans with Sue today?"

"No, not that I know of." James said with a shrug. "For all I know she won't talk to me again."

Shepard just gave James a piercing glare.

"I just couldn't.. you know.." James' ears flushed tomato as they had the other day as well. "Yeah you -know-"

"Oh." Shepard mumbled, "Oh.. sorry I asked."

James rubbed his face with his hands. "Don't worry, it's nothing. I just don't think she'll be coming around."

Shepard put down his coffee cup. "Hey lets go get a new tv, what do you say? Alenko could do with some change of scenery too." He stood up, looking down at Vega.

"Yeah and I am confiscating all your guns." Vega said smiled boyish.

"Like hell you are." Shepard huffed walking towards the front door, with the dog in tow. "Get a move on Marine, I'd like to get it over with before that storm gets here."

Vega looked outside through the window, noticing dark clouds in the horizon. "Gotta love spring." He mumbled, getting up and followed Shepard and the Major to the car.

~*~

The storm roared over their heads as they made it home. They had stopped at a different bar and had a couple of drinks, and even if they had tried to dispell all awkwardness between them, it was still there. Most the trip was done in silence, each of them deep in their own thoughts. As Shepard parked the car, Vega turned in his seat. "Remember when we met?" He said casually.

"Sure I do." John said slightly puzzled, "You made sure I stayed on Earth."

"No I don't mean there, I mean on the Normandy." James turned over a little more, "First time we ever talked about something that was not army related."

"Oh yeah." Shepard chuckled at the memory, "You gave me a nice shiner there."

"Yeah sorry 'bout that." Vega said, "But I was thinking, maybe..." He punched Shepard lightly on the shoulder, "Lets dance. Right here in the garden."

Shepard looked at James for a moment and then his face split in a shit-eating grin. "You're on Marine."

They got out into the rain, getting soaked before even making it 3 feet from the car. James held up his hands, and John mirrored, slowly they started to circle eachother. "So." James said, "What the hell is your problem?" He lunged out at Shepard who took a step back, James just stepped closer, "I said, what the fuck is your problem?" James growled, hitting John hard enough so he could see the other man winche as he failed blocking it.

"What do you mean?" John hissed, swiftly having his parades up again.

"Yesterday, this morning!" James growled, hitting Shepard once more with two quick jabs.

Shepard frowned, "You were the one that crawled into my bed." he argued hotly. Finally getting a successful swing in on Vega, who stumbled backwards, rubbing his cheek. "Shit.. Are you.." John started, reaching out for James, to see if he was okay.

Vega's frown deepend, and instead of letting John check his cheek and teeth, he grabbed the Commanders shirt and pulled him close in a violent jerk. "You fucking bastard, tell me what the fuck is wrong. Or I swear.."

Shepard felt anger boil up inside him, not sure what pissed him off the most, that James spoke to him like that, or if it was that he had walked right into this trap. "You are what's wrong." John finally yelled, blinking so he wouldn't get rain in his eyes.

(Art by [Paty-Wolf ](http://paty-wolf.deviantart.com/))

Pushing Shepard backwards into the car door, loosing whatever temper he had left. James stared directly into Shepard's blue eyes. "What the fuck are you talking about?" he barked.

Pinned between James and the car, John tensed, staring back at James in a mix between anger and sadness. "I want you to stay!" He finally screamed pushing, a baffled James backwards, till James lost his grip on Shepard's wet shirt. "I can't stand the thought of being alone again.."

James opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again without making a sound. Instead he took a decision and grabbed Shepard's shirt pulling him close again, but this time he crashed his lips against Shepards. James' heart hammered away in his chest and he could feel that John's did the same through the thin wet cloth.

John didn't pull back, he was surprised, that was all. He had not expected this, and a little nagging voice in the back of his mind, told him to push James away, he was not Kaidan, and they were not.. But he was alive, and here, soft and melting against him. James' tongue was as soft as his lips. Not at all what John had imagined, kissing James Vega would be like. Shepard found himself yielding under James' mouth, his world narrowed down to the feel and taste of something he had forgotten even exited, something that slowly spread out like vines under his skin, seeping into his core.

~*~

As the kiss ended both men were panting, and Shepard was almost afraid to open his eyes and realise that it was somehow not true. That it was something he either imagined, or that James would look at him with pity in his eyes. He wasn't sure he was ready for pity, not like this.

"John?"

Shepard slowly opened his eyes, mentally making a note that James had not moved, had not taken his hand out from under his shirt, it was still firmly planted on John's chest. He looked straight into James' hazel colored eyes, they didn't looke pitiful, more like lusty and worried in one. "James." Shepard said, not even sure if the sound made it past his lips, or if it had stayed inside his head.

James studied him intensly for a moment, holding his breath. "We should get out of the rain." He said, not sure what else to say. What the hell did you say in a situation like this anyway?

Thoughts sped around inside Shepard's head as he tried to analyse the situation, and realising that James' bodylanguage and what he said was not connected at any rate. He was waiting for something, maybe he was waiting for John to do something to make sure they were both okay? And that was exactly what John did, he raised a hand to James' cheek and ran the his fingers over the buzzcut mirroring his, pulling James in for a kiss, it wasn't as eager as the first, it was slower and went straight to Shepard's cock, and James' too as he shifted slightly on his feet, finding the pressure and friction he needed, which had them both moaning into the kiss.

James' hand went for Shepard's beltbuckle, and somewhere in the back of his head he thought that it was a good thing that it was a storm, so no one was outside, because he don't think he could stop even if he wanted to. All he wanted was more, it was just not enough! He hadn't been able to tell Shepard what he was sure that the Commander knew by now, that his fluke with Sue was all because of John. There was thinking it, and doing it, those were two very different things. And this, he had thought about how this would feel for a very, very long time. James was torn between wanting to toss John down on a bed, and being afraid that if he let go then the spell would be broken.

A thunder rumbled real close, spooking the dog in the car, who in his panic stepped on the horn.

~*~

James had been right, the magic of the moment had been gone the moment he had let go. John had let the dog out of the car, fastned his belt buckle and taken the Major to the house, leaving James in the rain. And whe James came into the house, John acted like he always did, it was like ten minutes ago never happened.

And for the first time since he arrived, that night when James laid down on the couch trying to get comfortable. He though about packing up and leaving.

~*~

Two days had passed since the thunderstorm, and Shepard was not stupid, he had felt the change in the way they talked, the way James would answer him in one syllable sentences. He cringed inside each time he asked James something and he would answer with a nod or a hum. Not like before where he would be talking about anything all the time, it was like all life had been sucked out of him. And that made Shepard feel worse than anything, he knew he should not have given in for that kiss, he should have pushed James away, he should have told him that all John knew how to do, was to drain anyone for their very lust for life. And to see James become a ghost in their house, just confirmed that. They would tip toe around eachother not talk about anything important. And James might think that John acted like normal, but he felt anything but.

Maybe he 'did' drink a little more than he should have these days, but he had gone with James to the veterans meeting, he was glad that no one really knew what he looked like. They had only seen him on posters or extranet news feeds, not up close and personal. He had told them his name was Johnny, and just sat in the back and listened to the others.

On their way to the car in the parking lot, James pulled his nametag off but said nothing, he just continued for the car.

"What is it?" John asked, knowing that James was brewing up a shitstorm, he could tell the way his eyes would darken when he was pissed off.

James flexed his jaw and shook his head rigid. "Nothing." He managed to say, knowing that the Commander would pick up on his lie right away.

So when James put the key in the door and started opening it, John slammed it shut and got in between the car and James. "Like hell." He just said, staring at the other man.

"You don't want to hear it." James just said, reaching for the door handle again.

John grabbed his wrist. "Don't asume to know what I want to hear." He just said calmly.

"Alright." James pushed his chest forward and squared his shoulders. "Why the hell did we come here? Did you just come to amuse me? Because I could have done without that."

"I came because I wanted to." Shepard said, frowning. Maybe he had been a little bit too obvious?

"You give them a fake name, and sit in the back not participating at all, sipping your flask in the shadows. John.. " James couldn't keep his dissappointment out of his voice, and just shook his head.

"So participating is sharing?" John asked, "Have you ever thought that I am maybe not comfortable with that?"

"What could you possibly get out of sitting there like some fucking ornament in the background, listening to other veterans talking about their nightmares, and phantom pains?" James asked, slightly irritated.

John shrugged, "Maybe I just find some peace in that I'm not alone?"

"That is just such fucking bullcrap!" James huffed, finally pushing John aside from the car door, and getting in. And John walked around the car and got into the passenger seat. They both rode home in awkward, angry silence.

~*~

When they got there Sue was sitting on the lawn, petting Alenko. John came out of the car first, greeted by his dog he smiled at Sue. He could tell that she looked directly at James, and it wasn't him she was here to see, so he just walked into the trailer with the dog still dancing around his legs in joy.

James went straight to sit next to Sue, in Shepard's garden chair. "So." He said, "What brings you here?"

"Why haven't you called?" Sue asked, her face set in angry folds.

"Well.. I've been busy." James said with a little smile. When Sue just shot him a dirty look, he sighed, "Alright, I didn't think you wanted me to call you since the last date."

"I think you took that a lot harder than I did." Sue said, smiling at her bad pun and sorta hoping that James wouldn't pick up on it and be offendeded.

James didn't pick up on it, he just looked at her with a straight face, "Maybe it was a good thing you know?"

Sue looked like someone slapped her, and her frown grew deeper. "No I don't, would you care to elaborate that James?"

"It's - It's just not fair to you, you know? I won't be staying around here for ever, and.." James said, his voice dropping to a whisper. "I shouldn't really get involved like that."

"Are you dumping me?" Sue asked, her entire frame shaking with something that James could only interpret as anger.

"I didn't know we were together." James said, and the instant he said it, he knew it had been the wrong answer, maybe the most wrong answer there were.

~*~

Shepard stood inside and listened to their fight with a drink in his hand. He didn't mean to eavesdrop but he couldn't help it, point one they were very loud, and point two, he was corious. He looked down at Alenko at his feet, "Looks like Jimmy's in the shitter, huh?" He said with a little sad smile. It was an odd feeling listening in to them, because as much as he wish that James would just come in here and sweep him off his feet. Then he really liked Sue and didn't want her to be angry and hurt. And what was that with James leaving? Was that just something he said to Sue to make the blow less cruel? Or was he really planning to leave? A part of Shepard knew that it most likely was the truth, it wasn't like he gave James a whole lot to stay for.

"You're an asshole!" Sue yelled, and moments later a cardoor slammed and a car sped off.

John peeked outside in the garden to see James sitting in his chair. "That went well." He said with a little grin. Opting for humor since he didn't really know what to say.

"You can say that again." James muttered.

"Want a drink?" John asked.

"Yeah."

John went inside and made James a strong drink and came back outside and sat down. "Jimmy.." He said, figdeting his glass, "Are you really leaving?"

"I don't know." James said softly. "Depends."

"On what?"

"You."

"Me?" Shepard looked up at James trying to read the exact meaning of his words in the man's face.

"Do you want me to stick around?" James asked.

"Of course I do." Shepard said, finally looking away. "I.. I'm sorry, you know for all that.."

"The kiss?" James asked, deciding to take a plunge off the deep end.

"Yeah." Shepard whispered with a little nod.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." James said, sipping his drink. "I shouldn't have kissed you to begin with."

"No you shouldn't." Shepard nodded more. Like his words and actions were completely disconnected.

"So I am the one who's sorry, I came here and turned your life upside down." James shrugged, "You were quite comfortable in your misery before I came along."

"I was." John said, his lips burning to tell James that he wanted him to stay, that he had just freaked out over the kiss, and not the bad way. It was just unexpected, and he had never thought anyone would awaken whatever it was that had died with Kaidan. He had never thought that he would have any shape or form of a furture, and absolutely not one with happiness in it.

"That's what I mean." James said sadly.

Shepard closed his eyes, and bit his lip. He didn't want James to see the extend of his lie. After all he lied to protect James from Shepard's own destruction.

"I'm sure you can patch things up with Sue." James said with a hollow, empty tone. "After all it's not you who pissed her off."

Shepard nodded, not trusting his voice.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who ever emailed me about this story and kept me on my toes. Honestly then I wrote this for Kmeme, and somehow I started to write what people wanted to read, and stopped writing what I wanted, and in the process I lost the concept of the story and didn't know how to end it. There are some more art for this story, but it is not done yet, so I will post those brilliant drawings at a later point, I will let y'all know on Tumblr when I do. And I really want to thank the artists both, you were the ones who kicked my muse, so I could finally finish this. So now I just hope that the ending lives up to it. =)
> 
> Betaed by E.J.

When Shepard woke the next morning he was more surprised than anything that Kaidan had not been in his dreams. He felt oddly guilty, like he had betrayed Kaidan somehow. He pulled the covers over his head, not ready to get up yet; his dreams were much more pleasant than the real world. In his dream James had been lying on his back here in his bed, legs spread, wearing nothing but an inviting, dirty smile. It had seemed so real that Shepard's whole body hummed from the unreal possibilities. To Shepard's frustration he couldn't get back to sleep, and the dream.

The bedroom door opened, and for reasons that Shepard wasn't quite sure, he laid perfectly still. James called for the dog softly, careful not to wake Shepard. Alenko jumped off the bed and joined James, who went out through the house and let the dog outside.

"Hey Alenko." James said, watching the dog as it finished patrolling his yard. "When I leave, you'll look after him, right?" The dog just pushed his nose up under James' hand to make him pet him. "I'm talking to a goddamn dog; I swear this place is bad for your mental stability." He smiled down at the dog who inched his way to James' lap, like he'd do to Shepard. James took a sip of his coffee and scratched Alenko behind his ear. "You two were fine before I dumped down here. So I think you'll be fine. You could maybe piss in his beer when he's not watching or something?"

Shepard sat up in the bed, wishing he could push the door open to hear better, but he heard what James said just fine. It was just, should he hear what James really had to say, or should he go out there and persuade James to stay? Or should he pretend he never heard, and let James leave?

James chuckled when Alenko pushed his head up under James' chin, "I hear ya," James mumbled, "it's just, I think I overstayed my welcome, you know?" He buried his face in Major Alenko's fur and sighed, "I can't save him, I don't even think he wants to be saved, I think he was quite content after all. Just you, him and his fucking booze."

Shepard couldn't stand it any longer, he wrapped his blanket around him and pushed the door open and walked barefoot to the front door where James and Alenko sat, the dog didn't even acknowledge him as he sat down on the steps next to James. "Good morning." He mumbled, scratching his cheek and twelve o'clock shadow.

"Good morning." James said not looking at Shepard at his side, "Did I wake you?"

"No." Shepard yawned.

"Good." James said, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence. After a while he took a deep breath, "Shepard, I've been thinking. Maybe I should go visit my aunt back in California."

Shepard nodded wordlessly; he knew that James didn't have an aunt, that much he remembered from their talks and his reading the personnel files, Vega had no living family. "You know...” Shepard started and then paused to search for the right words, "You don't have to lie."

"Alright." James said, "Still, I think I should maybe return home, you know rebuild stuff, and uhm... stuff." His fingers dug deeper in Alenko's fur, as he heard the definitely in his own words, like his mind, his logic and his heart refused to communicate.

"Okay." Shepard nodded again, "Guess I understand."

"You guess?" James asked, and as soon as the words had left him, he knew he was gonna regret them.

"I mean, if you wanna leave; leave." Shepard shrugged, and finally got to his feet, and with a pretty undignified sweep of his sheets, he disappeared into the house.

"Oh no you don't," James huffed, pushing Alenko from his lap, getting up after Shepard. "You don't get to say shit like that and walk off!"

"You're wrong." Shepard sing-song in a mocking tone from the kitchen, "I do. I can do pretty much what I fucking want, this is my house."

"Right." James stopped in the doorway to the kitchen, looking at Shepard as he poured himself a large drink, and from what James could tell it was his second for now. "But you are not my commanding officer anymore, John, and you don't get to lay shit like that on me, or anyone else." He frowned as Shepard downed the large drink and poured one more, his face stoic and his eyes dark pits of anger.

"Watch me." Shepard just spat, downing half his drink, wincing at the taste. "What the hell are you standing around for? Weren't you leaving?" He looked directly at James, "You are right, I was totally fine when it was just me and my booze and the goddamn mutt!" He slammed the glass so hard down into the kitchen desk that it was a wonder it didn't break in his hand.

James looked away from Shepard, he could tell that John was hurt, he could hear it in his voice, and if nothing else he could tell from the numbers of drinks he slammed down to calm himself. But he meant it, there was just no point in this anymore, Shepard's bitterness and ghosts won, it was that simple. "Okay," He just mumbled and pushed off the doorframe, and walked to the living room and pulled out the army bag under the sofa, and then walked directly to the dresser and calmly dropped his stuff down into it.

Shepard stood and watched him; he didn't know what he wanted the most, apologize or kick his ass. He looked down at Alenko by his feet, he was restless and nervous, maybe it was a good thing that he'd never have children, he made a horrible parent. He downed his drink, but didn't move. It was not until James zipped his bag that he realized he had to do something. "James," He said more calm than he felt. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry, and I hope that - uhm, that you're gonna be okay."

Turning around James looked over at Shepard, "Fuck you John, just fuck you!" James picked up his bag and walked towards the front door.

"Jimmy! Wait!" Shepard called out, but when James turned around and looked at him, he realized he didn't know what came next. "Don't." He said looking away from James' betrayed expression, Shepard took a deep breath, "I mean, don't leave like that."

James dropped the bag, crossed his arms and looked at Shepard, "Is there any other way?"

Shepard turned the empty glass in his hand, "I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have yelled at you." He looked up at James, and smiled a little awkward smile.

"You're sorry? Well now we just need rivers of blood, and locusts." James spat, "You can't keep doing this, man. -I- can't keep doing this!"

"Doing what?" Shepard licked his lips, knowing he was being ridiculous, but he needed to hear it.

"This goddamn ping-pong," James sighed, "I tried John, I really did. I tried to be your friend, and maybe I tried to be more, but I can't even get you to join the land of the living." James ran a hand through his short cropped hair, "He is -dead- John! Kaidan is never coming back! I am here, and I am very much alive, but you don't even notice! All you care about is your own misery and your fucking drink!" James stared directly at Shepard, feeling a small victory as he saw the commander's eyes wander from his to the floor.

It took long moments of silence before Shepard answered with a small voice, "I don't want you to be Kaidan."

"Then what -do- you want?" James asked, stepping over his bag, and closer to Shepard, "If it's drinking yourself into an early grave, with nothing but ghosts as your company."

Shepard grimaced, and rubbed his neck nervously, "I don't know - Okay?"

"It's a start of some sorts I suppose." James said, knowing that his words was unnecessary cruel, but he was not about to let Shepard back out of this. He had let him withdraw into a shell of denial and alcohol too many times already.

Short of squirming under James' onslaught Shepard, bit his lip wishing his glass was full. "I need a drink." He mumbled.

"No you don't!" James snatched the glass from Shepard and put it up on the shelf to his right, next to the pictures of the Normandy crew. "What you need is to tell me what the hell you want, or I am leaving, I mean it Shepard."

"Dammit James," Shepard whined, and this time actually squirmed visually. It felt mostly like a kind exorcism or something. He hated to talk feelings, and that James stood right there and forced him to say something was even worse. He just wanted to go back to how they were, and start over. "I'm not good at this touchy-feely stuff."

"Try me."

"Alright," Shepard sighed, "I - I... No this is stupid!" He groaned, snatched the glass from the shelf before James could react, and turned his back on James to make a drink.

"You have to be shitting me!" James sighed, shook his head and turned around to pick up his bag, and continued out the front door. The air was chilly and he regretted not getting his jacket, but there was no way in hell he was going to go back in to get it. Major Alenko barked behind him, but James refused to look over his shoulder. He didn't want to go, but he had to, or he too would be dragged down into John's vortex of nothingness, he was beginning to suspect that Shepard stopped feeling anything but regret and sorrow, and liked it that way.

He had expected a lot of things, but not that Shepard would chase him down the dirt road that led to the highway. He had heard John run up behind him, and saw Alenko jump around in front of him trying to herd him back, but James had ignored both, he was fucking furious that Shepard had chosen the easy way out again. In the end he was about to turn around when Shepard tackled him, knocking all the air out of him as they hit the ground. James blinked confused, trying to focus on Shepard's obnoxious grin, and turn his head away from the dog that licked his cheek.

"Still got it." Shepard stated victorious, and waved the dog away, "Don't do that, Major!"

"I swear Shepard," James growled without any real fire.

Shepard's smile faltered, and he steeled himself before he spoke, "Stay."

"For what?" James asked with an angry hiss, "Give me one good reason. Just one, John."

"Because I want you to?" Shepard said smiling apologetic. James didn't even bother to answer that; he just put up his best 'come again' face. "Hey we could leave, that would be fine too, as long as it's still, us... you know... you and me."

James felt an insane laughter well up inside, and in the end it slipped out, and he laughed untill he was in tears, "Yeah, I know...” He laughed. "For fucks sake, man. What will it take for you to just say it?"

"Uhm... nail pulling, Chinese water torture... or something along those lines." Shepard chuckled, and then got serious again, "I don't expect you to understand, cause I don't."

"Get off me, old man." James pushed Shepard off, sitting up so they both just sat on the dirt road. "You are crazy; you know that, don't you? Shit you could have broken my ribs or something."

"Yeah." Shepard nodded, wrapping his arms around his knees, "James? I was wondering... Remember that time in the rain; you know when you kissed me?"

"Yeah?"

"Could we rewind to that?" Shepard's ears heated up and a stupid, embarrassed smile spread on his lips. "And sorta just take it from there?"

James turned and looked directly at Shepard; somehow it was funny how flustered talking about feelings made him, from the same man who had no problems barking out orders that might get people and himself killed. He couldn't even manage to say a simple thing as 'I care about you'. James decided that it was as good as it got, it was not like he could ask for miracles, so he leaned in and placed a sweet kiss on Shepard's lips. "Sure," He whispered.

~*~

If Shepard was shy when he talked about feelings, then James learned that there was nothing shy about him when it came to getting naked. He was a little skinnier and not quite as buff as he had been in his army days, but James didn't mind one bit, he still felt a need to pinch himself to check to see if he was awake as Shepard stepped out of his pants. "What?" Shepard asked. James realized that he might have zoned out, staring. "Oh... well... You look, uhm, good." He smiled and grabbed Shepard's hips pulling him close.

"Good huh?" Shepard wrapped his arms around James and ran his hands down James' back.

"Okay, so maybe it's better than good." James teased, holding on to Shepard's back with one hand, and the other he tried to unbutton his pants. "A lot."

Shepard smiled against James' neck, licking a wet trail to his ear, he was just about to whisper something, when James pushed him backwards onto the bed and followed him down. Shepard closed his eyes as James started kissing his way down his chest, it felt like a lifetime ago since anyone touched him like this, and he hadn't really realized how much he had missed it, untill James grabbed a firm hold of Shepard's thighs, and a warm mouth and tongue wrapped around his erection. Shepard opened his eyes and popped up on his elbows, looking down at James between his legs. James looked up at Shepard and a smile spread on his lips as he let Shepard's erection slip from his mouth, keeping the eye contact he moved down further, and it felt mostly like a victory when Shepard had to close his eyes and bite down a moan as James' tongue ran over his balls.

James knew he should have asked, he didn't know if Shepard was a bottom or what, so he just chanced it, and did what came to him. Using his thumbs he spread Shepard's ass cheeks and James ran an experimental tongue over the sensitive skin hidden there.

(Art by [betti357](http://betti357.deviantart.com/))

"Jesus." Shepard's head fell back and a moan escaped him. James took it as a sign that he was doing the right thing, and circled the pucker with his tongue, slicking it up, finally pushing the tip of his tongue through the tight muscle. When Shepard was panting, James licked his way back to Shepard's cock. "Just...” Shepard licked his lips, pulling James up for a kiss with a forceful grip on his neck. "Fuu -” he didn't make it further untill the feeling of James rubbing his cock between his ass cheeks, had him moan mostly in expectation. "Me." He managed to get out.

James was in awe of how quick he could make Shepard crumble with just his hands and tongue, he pushed Shepard's lips apart with two fingers, letting him suck them wet, covering them in saliva, feeling his own arousal twitch at the sight. Shepard reached up over his head and pulled out a drawer on his bed stand, James followed it with his eyes, and reached down to get the lube and a condom, he had not even thought so far ahead. At least he had his question answered, that Shepard handed him that meant that he was supposed to use it. James kissed Shepard quickly and sat back on his knees on the foot of the bed, and fumbled with the condom till it behaved, and then poured a generous amount of lube in his hand and covered himself in it. He grabbed Shepard's thighs again, and pushed them up towards Shepard's own chest, "Shit, John." He mumbled, "You are... everything I dreamt you'd be."

"You dreamt this huh?" Shepard asked a little out of breath, looking up at James who just sat there and ate him with his eyes. It made him feel even more naked than the fact that he was lying on a bed with his ass in the air.

"Yeah." James mumbled, "'Cept in the dream I had my cock deep inside you."

"So what's stopping you?" Shepard asked with a little sexy grin.

(Art by [betti357](http://betti357.deviantart.com/))

James huffed amused, and inched a little closer so his cock was nudging against the tight opening. Both of them gasped as he started to push inside, James thought it was nothing short of divine, and as his fingers and toes started to prickle a little, he worried that he might actually come before he was even inside. He could hear Shepard mumble under him, never had taken him for talkative during sex, but none the less Shepard had managed to say more while James slowly pushed inside, than he had in the last week. James leaned down and pinned Shepard's legs under him, one hand on Shepard's shoulder and the other on his hip, James started to move, pulling almost out, ramming in again, feeling a funny sort of pride in the keening sound he made Shepard make, he had never even thought that Shepard could sound like that, but the stone-man had turned out to be a very responsive lover, besides that it turned James on like nothing else, the way Shepard would arch off the bed, writhe, shiver, mewl and moan. Then it gave him faith that there was still something real, and a generous lover under all that which had made up John Shepard for so long. When Shepard let go and lost himself in his climax, to James it seemed like it took twenty years off him, his face serene and pupils blown with ecstasy.

Shepard wrapped his arms around James as he collapsed on top of him, shivering and sweating. "Fuck," James gasped, trying to catch his breath. "Why didn't we do that a little earlier?"

Chuckling Shepard kissed James' temple, "Because I have issues?" he said, half in joke, half serious.

James rolled off Shepard and fell boneless to his side, and didn't answer, he just pulled Shepard close, smiling as the other man cuddled up, and rested his head on his chest. "Promise me one thing." James mumbled, exhausted and sleepy.

"Anything." Shepard whispered back.

"Don't weird out on me," James ran lazy fingers up and down Shepard's spine, "I really care about you, and -”

"I care about you too," Shepard whispered, holding on a little tighter around James' chest as to prove his point.

James kissed Shepard's crown of short cropped hair, he supposed that was as good as it got, which was actually fine by him.

 

~*~

Shepard woke hours later to the steady thadup-thadup of James' heart, and this time he was not the least bit surprised to wake like this. He felt a little funny thinking of Kaidan like this, but he recalled how he had loved waking like this, just looking out at space that would move by outside the window. If he opened his eyes now he would stare straight into a wall with a bad paint job, but that was okay really. It felt just as right, he felt just as much like the center of the universe was right here, and would evolve around them. Like time stood still and just awaited one of them to move.

Eventually Shepard got up, and went straight to the kitchen and put the kettle on, he eyed the bottle that he had opened earlier, he took it and drank a healthy gulp, hells Rome wasn't built in one day either, he thought to himself as he put the bottle back in the cupboard. Hearing soft footfalls behind him, he looked over his shoulder, only to see James stand there, scratching his hair, sleepy and slightly unfocused.

"Making me coffee in the nude?" James said with a little crooked smile, "I think I could get used to that."

"Who said I was making you coffee?" Shepard said with a little grin, only to find himself enveloped in James' arms as he held him from behind. James rested his chin on Shepard's shoulder. "Since when did you start your day with coffee?"

"Never." Shepard laughed, and stretched to get to cups from the cupboard. Shepard made them coffee and in the end James had to let go of his hold to take one of the cups. "Hey, Jimmy." Shepard said, jumping up to sit on the kitchen tabletop.

"John, that is hardly sanitary." James pointed out, nodding towards Shepard's naked ass on the kitchen desktop.

Shepard raised a brow and smiled amused, "So you are telling me that you have no problem with eating my ass, but you can't eat something that made contact with my ass."

"That is two entirely different things." James muttered, his ears burning when it was put so bluntly. "So you were saying?"

Shepard laughed, "Yeah, as I was saying. I was thinking something." He took his coffee and sipped it, "Maybe leaving is the right thing to do. I mean this place is full of ghosts, and if you really meant what you said, and this is us trying to start over, maybe we should do just that."

James nodded, "Makes sense."

"Would you wanna do that?" Shepard asked his tone oddly thick and fragile in one. It was as close to talking feelings as he got.

"Yeah, I'd like that." James nodded, "You got a map? I mean maybe we should just throw a dart or something, and let that decide, go somewhere where none of us ever has been before."

Shepard lit up in a brilliant smile, "Yes, yes I do."

"Alright, then let’s do that." James said, drinking the last of his coffee, "Just not in the nude," He smiled, "Plus I need a bath, bad."

"So let’s take a bath, get dressed, pack up whatever shit we want to bring, and go." Shepard said.

"You wanna leave today?" James couldn't help but to be slightly surprised that Shepard was this eager to move on. "Sure, man."

~*~

When they drove down the dirt road, they had three bags and the Major in the backseat. They stopped at the bar where Sue worked, James stayed in the truck while Shepard went in and ignored the odd looks he got from the patrons that surely must have assumed that he had either moved or died. "Hey Sue." Shepard said, and handed her an envelope. "This is for you."

Sue looked him up and down, "What's up John-John?"

"I think it's time I had a change of scenery," Shepard shrugged, "And you've been my guardian angel, and I figured that I'd give you something back."

"Aw," Sue smiled and hugged Shepard, and sat down and opened the envelope. "It's your deed."

"It is." Shepard said, "The house is not all that, but the lot is mine. Now yours, you can sell it and get yourself something nice, or you can move there, or do whatever you want. I just figured you could use it." He dug into his pocket, and pulled out a picture of himself at twenty two, in his navy blues. "And this, just for sentimental reasons, just in case no one believes you." He winked.

"That is too much, John-John." Sue looked up at him with wet eyes. "I can't."

"You can, and you will." Shepard said, "I'll send you a postcard when I finally find somewhere to put down roots."

"You do that, John, you do that." Sue stared at the deed in her hands, "What about James?"

"He's coming with me," Shepard said not caring to elaborate, "I'll take good care of him."

"I have a feeling it's gonna be him taking care of you." Sue said with a little laugh.

"Maybe so." Shepard said, "Anyway, good luck Sue, you deserve it."

"Right back at you." Sue said, getting to her feet and hugging Shepard once more.

Shepard left the bar and walked back to the truck, "Let's go." He said to James as he jumped back into the passenger seat.

"Aye-aye Sir." James smiled, and backed out of the parking lot in front of the bar, and back on the highway.

 

THE END.


End file.
